I attended a very feminist girls’ high school.  I recall my principal once addressing us as “Young ladies and future leaders of society.”

I was taught early on, and this was reinforced by my parents, that there was every reason for me to apply for positions, and work in any field or profession that I chose.  And expect to be paid fairly and treated with respect.

Yet since my very first job interviews, I have noticed a (sometimes) slight innate discrimination against women, including by women interviewers.

As a young newlywed, being interviewed by a woman for a position in an eldercare nonprofit, I was stunned silent when told, “You are young and newly married and soon you’ll be having babies, which will be inconvenient for us.”

At a financial company in the heart of the stock exchange, I was shown a desk photo of another employee’s family and informed brusquely that this would have to replace family time if I took on this position, basically inferring that to accept this job I would be expected to neglect my then-four young children.

In both of these cases, it was very clear that negotiation was not an option.  Either I would have to agree to their terms, or be rejected.  I took the rejection.

Despite these disheartening experiences, I did find places to work that respected my desire for a work/family balance.  My managers over the years have appreciated my professionalism and creativity, and supported those occasions when I took off time to care for sick kids (usually continuing to work from home) or attend my children’s special events.

A few years ago I received a very important piece of advice, that I have found valuable throughout my career – Don’t try to negotiate everything up front. It often makes more sense, and will gain more acceptance, to push the boundaries slowly but progressively over time.  

This advice came to mind when I read a recent article in The New Yorker, about a young woman negotiating the terms of working for a college.

Based on the terms she was asking for, this woman wanted to make sure that she was entering a position that would provide a clear work/life balance for her.  Clearly, it scared the college administration when they saw her expectations or hopes amassed in one letter, and they bolted. If she hadn’t asked, would she have found herself stuck in a stressful, overworked position that she had signed on for, or would she have been able to maneuver better terms once she had proven her worth?

What do you think?